Beware the Guard Goose?
by MintiNeko
Summary: Naruto had faced many obstacles in his courtship of Hinata, from beatings to pools of piranha, but never anything quite like this. "Let me get this straight. You got attacked by...a duck?" "Goose. And don't rub it in."


A/N: First time I was ever attacked by a plot bunny…and it had long, very sharp fangs too. I'm pretty sure it's related to Bunnicula.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Naruto

* * *

Naruto loved Hinata. Everyone in Konoha knew it.

Unfortunately, this also meant that Hiashi, Hyuuga clan leader and Hinata's father, knew of it. 

And, to put it _lightly_, he wasn't exactly _supportive_ of the relationship.

When he first caught Naruto sneaking into Hinata's bedroom to visit with her late at night, he immediately took drastic measures. While beating the boy up was satisfying, he was clan leader, and couldn't exactly deprive himself of sleep every single night.

He posted Neji outside of Hinata's room the first few weeks. While the boy was very effective, his mission performance began decline due to a lack of sleep, and Hiashi was forced to install Hanabi as an alternate guard. 

Despite being even more effective than Neji, Hanabi was really too young to be losing so much sleep, and eventually both she and Neji declined being Hinata's guards, as chasing Naruto around all night was exhausting. Other Hyuuga tried and soon declined the position for similar reasons.

His next plan was to set traps. Unfortunately, the Uzumaki was too damn good at being a ninja. He dodged shruiken, broke out of genjutsu, skipped over piranha-filled ponds, and also caused much property damage in the process.

Hiashi despaired, fearing that Naruto would to something horrible to Hinata, and that he would be unable to stop him.

Until one day, Hinata came home from a mission with a strange pet.

"C-can I keep him, Otou-san?" Hiashi stared down at the animal in his eldest daughter's hands impassively. 

"Why do you want him?"

"H-he's an o-orphan. A-and the lady s-said I could k-keep him—" 

_I thought she outgrew that years ago. I really need to hire a confidence coach or something…_

"Don't do it, Hiashi-sama," snarled Neji, "The little devil will let no one near Hinata-sama, we had to force-feed it sleeping pills to keep it from half-killing us." Hiashi noted the bandages on his nephew's hands and the glower (or the creature equivalent of a glower) from the _thing_ cradled in his daughter's arms.

A new, ingenious plan formed in his mind.

"You may keep your pet, Hinata."

* * *

Naruto was a very happy fox boy.

_Looks like old man Hyuuga finally decided that fighting me is pointless_, he thought happily, _and 'bout time, too_. 

Honestly, what was wrong with visiting Hinata in the middle of the night? It's not like they did anything—except eat ramen and talk about their teammates.

Not buying it? 

Fine. 

Maybe they kissed _just a little_. But they were teenagers in a relationship, it was _expected_. 

Naruto hummed happily as he strategically made his way to Hinata's room, one arm full with ten cups of instant ramen, and the other holding a bouquet of pink roses. He had a lot to tell her, not the least of which that his teammates had finally noticed the sexual tension betwe—

What was that noise?

It sounded like honking, but Naruto had no idea what could possibly be making such a sound. He hid behind a tree and listened carefully, but did not hear the strange noise again.

_Neji must have a cold or something… _Shrugging mentally to himself, Naruto continued to his goal; he could just see the light in Hinata's room, and her silhouette, leaning on the railing, waiting for him. 

He quickened his pace…almost there…

"HONK!!" 

"ARGG!"

Before Naruto knew it, something not very big, very white, and very strong slammed into his side, knocking him into the koi pond. While it wasn't very deep, Naruto was horrified when he emerged from the waters to find that his roses and ramen were completely wet and beaten, not at all suitable for Hinata-chan.

"Alright, where are you, you bane of ramen?!" yelled Naruto, peering around suspiciously. A shuffling sound alerted him to the culprit behind him. He whirled around, ready to give the beating of a lifetime, but abruptly froze, his eyes widening when they fell on his new nemesis.

_You. Have. Got. To. Be. Kidding. Me!_

"HONK!"

"GAH!!"

* * *

Haruno Sakura was understandably confused.

"Let me get this straight, you got attacked…by a duck?" 

"Goose. And don't rub it in," Naruto grumbled, rubbing the new bandages on his arm self-consciously. "I think old man Hyuuga's really gone crazy."

"I thought you said he was merely demented, not crazy." remarked Sasuke offhandedly, unable to hide a smirk from his best friend slash eternal rival's condition.

(Seriously, how often did one get attacked by raging waterfowl anyway?)

"That was when he set piranhas on me!" wailed Naruto piteously, "I didn't know he was crazy enough to set a _bird_ on me!"

"Well, a guard goose is unusual," admitted Sakura, "Considering the Hyuuga pride, it's even stranger. I would have thought they would use a hawk, or an eagle, or something more…dignified."

A knock on the door of Naruto's apartment kept any response from being uttered. As Sakura was still healing Naruto, Sasuke went to answer the door.

To his (not really) surprise, Hinata turned out to be on the other side. She flushed slightly at the sight of the reformed Uchiha, but otherwise showed no discomfort.

"H-hello, Sasuke-san. I'm here to see Naruto?" Sasuke stood aside to allow her to pass through the entrance. Her eyes widened upon landing on Naruto's battered, pecked form. 

"Naruto-kun! What happened!"

She dropped her bag (missing Sasuke's foot by an inch) and rushed over to her boyfriend, giving him a check over.

"I got attacked by a rabid goose." The look of shock on Hinata's face made Naruto wonder if telling her that the self proclaimed number one ninja had been bested by a bird was such a good idea.

"Ga-chan attacked you?"

"Ga-chan?" asked Sakura and Naruto in unison. Sasuke simply raised his eyebrows.

"That's his name." explained Hinata, "I've had him since he was a gosling."

"You had a pet, and you didn't tell me? Your boyfriend?!" 

"Well…" Hinata flushed, embarrassed. "He's very, ah, protective of me. Usually I keep him locked up in the compound." She sighed. "But it looks like I will have to commission a stronger lock. I had no idea he got out."

"I'll say. What if he had diseases? I could have died!" Naruto clutched his heart melodramatically and pretended to keel over. 

He promptly lost balance and fell off the counter. Hinata just sighed again and helped the blond back up on his feet.

"He does not have diseases, Naruto-kun. I had Kiba's sister check him over."

"Well," grumbled Naruto, turning pink at the minor loss of dignity, "You never _really_ know."

Hinata giggled, "I guess not. But I thought, since you and I missed our date last night, we could make it up today." She held up a picnic basket filled with food, much to Naruto's delight.

"Yeah!" he whooped, forgetting his injuries and made for the door, dragging Hinata as he passed her. They zoomed out of the room in a blend of purple and orange, leaving Sasuke and Sakura to stare after them in bemusement.

"Well," Sakura regained her composure quickly, "What should we do now?" she directed the question to the only other occupant in the room. 

Sasuke smirked, leaving his spot on the wall and made his way leisurely over to Sakura, who couldn't help but bristle as her kunoichi senses screamed _danger, danger, bastard approaching! _

"I have an idea."

"Sasuke-kun, don't you even—"

She was, unfortunately, cut off.

* * *

Oblivious to the fact that his teammates were busy making out in his apartment, Naruto was enjoying himself immensely with his beautiful Hinata.

There were two things he loved the most in the world, and they were food and aforementioned girlfriend. Combining the two, as a result, left Naruto in a state of pure bliss.

That they were together, they were picnicking, and he had gotten a chance to kiss Hinata right in front of Neji without having to suffer any consequences only made this day better.

Until…

"HONK!"

Naruto abruptly stiffened. "Hinata-chan…"

"I'm positive that he was stuck in the compound when I left. Maybe it's a wild bird," suggested Hinata, but she too looked apprehensive.

"I doubt it; I was fighting with the damn chicken for half the night." Eyes narrowed, Naruto scanned the park, trying to catch a glimpse of white feathers and bad attitude he knew was there.

"Naruto-kun, sit down." Hinata reached up and tugged on Naruto's sleeve, pulling him back onto the blanket. "Even if it was Ga-chan, what could he do?"

"HONK!"

Ga-chan promptly appeared out of the bushes and head-butted Naruto into a tree.

"Silly me." Sighed Hinata, getting up and preparing for a wild goose chase.

Fortunately, Ga-chan was quickly caught, and Hinata was able to hand him off to an annoyed Neji before turning to tend to Naruto.

"What's wrong with that thing?" Naruto demanded as Hinata attempted to clean him up.

"I don't know, but I'm _so sorry_, Naruto-kun." Hinata looked almost depressed. Not liking to see Hinata in that sort of mood, Naruto scrambled around inside his head for something to bring a smile back on her face.

Finding his head to be, unfortunately, very empty of good phrases, Naruto promptly pounced on Hinata and began tickling her. Her surprised giggles filled the air, and Naruto let out a yelp when she began fighting back. Soon the young couple was engaged in play wrestling in the soft grass as they laughed and giggled.

A very Nejiish yell penetrated the air, startling Naruto and Hinata out of their game. Turning towards the direction of the yell, the two were able to make out the form of Neji struggling with the current bane of Naruto's existence as it fought to escape him. Had Naruto (for once) not wanted to sound stupid, Ga-chan's expression (or whatever it was called) was that of jealousy.

As a means of testing his theory, Naruto quickly pecked Hinata on the cheek. She glanced quizzically at him before turning back to look at Neji's plight. True to Naruto's prediction, it seemed that Ga-chan was struggling even harder to get away from Neji. The prodigy, for his part, got fed up enough that he stuck the goose under one arm, and quickly formed the seals to disappear in a puff of smoke.

"What was that all about?" Hinata asked Naruto, blinking.

"I think your Ga-chan is trying for an interspecies romance." Said Naruto with the most serious expression he could muster.

Hinata gave him a look that suggested she thought he overdosed on painkillers. Naruto pretended not to notice.

"I don't know how he plans on doing it, but now that I know what he is up to," he rubbed his hands together with a sinister look in his eyes. "I can stop him!"

* * *

Sadly, Naruto's attempts were less that adequate to prevent Ga-chan from attacking him.

After his sixth try or so, he wound back up in Sakura's office, looking up sheepishly at Sakura, who was desperately trying to keep her temper.

"Naruto, this has to stop."

"Not until that bastard is roasted and the center of a banquet."

"Too bad. I'm ordering you to stop going after the stupid goose."

"But Sakura-chan—" Sakura quickly cut him off before she could hear his protests.

"Let's see what my clipboard as to say," she flipped over several pages and began to read aloud. 

"First time, attempts to clip the wings after drugging goose. Goose turned out to be not so drugged and still managed to beat you up. Broken ribs and a swollen head." Naruto tried to protest, but Sakura ignored him and flipped over another page.

"Third time, attempts to mail goose to Suna as a 'present' for Gaara—"

"That one almost worked—"

"Results, goose got mailed back for bad behavior, and you ended up in the hospital with a spinal injury!" She flipped a few more pages and Naruto shrank back from an especially fierce glare.

"Last time, you kidnapped Sasuke, dressed him up in a _goose suit_, and—I really can't believe you—tried to have him _act like a potential mate_?!" Naruto snickered.

"Are you jealous, Sakura-chan?" asked Naruto cheekily, waggling his eyebrows. Despite her attempts at a stern demeanor, the corners of Sakura's mouth twitched up into a small smile.

"No, Naruto—and don't ever tell him I said this, but Sasuke-kun _did _look silly—but really, this is getting ridiculous."

"But what can I do?" he wailed, "The thing won't leave Hinata-chan alone, and—" He glanced around them, and seeing no one else reached into his pocket, and pulled out a small velvet jewelry box. Sakura let out an almost inaudible gasp.

"You're going to propose?" she asked, rhetorically. Naruto nodded, puffing out his chest proudly.

"Yeah, and I need at least a few minutes with just her. Never thought I'd have to compete with _waterfowl_ for Hinata's heart, but…" he shrugged, "What can you do?"

"Nothing by yourself," acknowledged Sakura, a very Uchiha-like smirk spreading across her face, "But maybe I can help." She laughed as Naruto's countenance brightened.

"_Really?_"

"Yes, really. Now, while the method was stupid, you really were on to something with the potential mate…"

* * *

Ga-chan the goose was busy patrolling the area, protecting his lady when he heard something odd.

"_Honk._" He paused and tilted his head, wondering if was imagining things, or if he had heard a feminine honk.

"_Honk._" There it was again, this time beckoning to him. Ga-chan debated whether or not he should leave his post, considering how he needed to guard his lady against that loud fox. He didn't understand why she let the fox anywhere near her; all geese knew that foxes were bad news.

"_Honk._" Then again, it would only be for a minute…

"_Honk._" Making up his mind, Ga-chan took off for the call, heading towards the pond were the sounds were coming from. When he had come within two feet of the pond, he halted, confused, as there was no goose in sight.

"_Honk._" Yet the honking continued. Ga-chan followed the honking until he reached a bush. Excited, he poked his head through to behold…

A tape recorder. Though Ga-chan didn't know it was a tape recorder. To him, it was something that had taken him away from his lady, leaving her vulnerable. Breaking into flight, Ga-chan glided over the grounds of the Hyuuga estate, heading toward the koi pond where he knew she would be.

Alas, he had barely arrived when he heard Hinata cry out a delighted "Yes!" before engulfing the stupidly grinning fox in a hug.

Ga-chan's entire body drooped in disappointment, knowing full well he had failed in his task. Hiashi would not be pleased. He would have to find somewhere else to live, probably tag along with one of those migrating flocks that always flew over Konoha in semi-annual intervals. He perked up; that wouldn't be so bad.

But first…

"HONK!"

"GAHH!!"

* * *

**A/N: **That was completely crackish and random, but I liked it,

Review please!


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